How Long, Oh Lord?

It feels like our days are filled with medications, doctors appointments, and waiting. I wish I could tell you I walk out of our office visits with my head held high, confident of what God can do on my behalf. Unfortunately that is rarely my first response. I am frustrated with how quickly I turn on God. How my faith in His goodness and faithfulness melts under the heat of circumstances. I often wonder what it means to respond to God in faith. What does it look like to trust Jesus with the deepest desires of your heart – normal, noble desires, like husbands, and babies, and health and jobs and fulfilling relationships….knowing that those may not be God’s good and perfect plans for you right now….or maybe ever. What does the gospel look like and feel like in these moments? How does my Bible-believing faith translate into the language of life?

I decided I have a few options on how to play this out. One, I could act like it doesn’t matter all that much, that if God doesn’t show up some how in all of this, it’s really no big deal because having biological children is overrated. I could push all my emotions, questions, desires, etc. down deep somewhere and hope it all just goes away, slap a smile on my face and call it good….and in the process kill my heart and learn to live for less. Then there’s option number two. I could throw myself into a good book, a worthy project, work, vacation, and see if any of those things actually bring life and make me feel better. They will for a time, to be sure, but eventually the luster wears off and it’s all just soul numbing activity.

But there is a third option that doesn’t always feel good, but it’s my best bet by far. I could live in a place of vulnerability before the Lord and before others. A place that is desperate for God’s Spirit to bear His fruit in my life in the midst of struggle and heartache. A place that has more questions than answers, but chooses to live completely present in the tension. A place that means giving up my hopes and dreams in exchange for what He deems best. To believe that Jesus really does give abundant life though I hear the lies that speak to the contrary. To know, but by His grace ALONE, I choose to fight the good fight because He ALONE is worth it.

Maybe this is what it means to walk by faith and not by sight? I don’t know, but what I do know is that, no matter what, Jesus loves me and nothing can change that.